Filtering by Tag: satire

5 Easy New Job Ideas

Ivanka Trump, America’s Ice Princess, has introduced a new pandemic initiative to help people who are out of a job find new work. It’s called “Find Something New,” a phrase that worked really well for me in my experimental phase. It’s how I learned to NEVER mix hash and coke. That combo just levels you out to a boring level of normal which is not really the purpose of doing drugs now is it? Now, I’m not here to criticize Lady Trump on a totally traceable public blog linked to my personal information, so I’ll just say that her idea is so simple it’s genius. Her very well designed website offers ideas on simple career switches that anyone can do such as becoming an Aerospace engineering and operations technician or even easier, a Radiologic/MRI technician!

hash and coke is a bad combination! Too boring!

hash and coke is a bad combination! Too boring!

To help this amazing initiative, I’d like to offer my personal ideas for easy career switches:

Find the Lost Treasure of the Knights Templar

A long time ago (after bible times but before Henry Ford times) some rich people wanted to hide their fortune so it wouldn’t get stolen. There were no banks or mattresses to hide their money under, so those one percenters decided to give all their money to some knights to safeguard. Well, the knights took the whole thing way too seriously, devising a series of codes and maps way too complicated for anyone to understand, even Siri. So the treasure got buried somewhere totally random, probably New York City or somewhere cool like Ibiza. No one has found it yet, but if you did you would get super rich and famous. 

Become a Psychic

People are freaking the eff out right now, so obviously they’re turning to psychics to tell them what the future holds. Being a psychic is a job that requires no qualifications except being able to talk slowly with a slight bit of rasp in your voice. You also need to be good at making stuff up - sprinkle in a little doom and gloom, add a dollop of good fortune, and finish it off with a drizzle of necromancy! This is easy money, people!

Gamble

Lean to count cards or slip an ace in your shirt sleeve and you’ll have no problem milking the casino for all it’s worth. Gambling is a really fun way to make money because you can chain smoke cigarettes indoors and drink all the free liquor you could ever want!

Befriend a Rich Elderly

COVID is taking out scores of octogenarians which is super sad, especially when the deceased is rich and has no next-of-kin to bequeath their fortunes to. I recommend finding a lonely, rich senior citizen and figuring out a way to make them love you. That’s the key, though. They have to LOVE you, so do whatever it takes to get that to happen. Eventually, they will pass on and you can count on them leaving you a few coins. You can smile knowing that someone died thinking that you actually loved them.

Breed Dogs

This one is the least fun on the list because you have to watch a bunch of animals have sex all the time, but better believe there is good money in breeding dogs. Find the tiniest, flattest-faced dogs that you can and get them to f*ck. You’ll be able to sell their puppies for a few hundo a piece. Bonus for this one because you can make a flat faced tiny dog youtube video and rake in those advertising revenues!

What are you waiting for? Get out there and make that money! This list is pretty great, but let me know if you have any other ideas for easy ways to make money! As long as it’s not starting a church, I’m fine with it. Just stay out of my GD lane and we will be cool. Ok, I’m off to check on my dog who is giving birth right now, so I hope to catch you next time when we will all surely learn a little bit more about how to stay devoted to faith.

Blessings and Light,

Kathy

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