the Lord — Blog

Most people I meet marvel at my ability to stay so faithful. They wonder how I remain so perfect despite my super busy schedule spending time with all of my many friends all while working at my lucrative job. Well, while there is no secret to this sort of success in faith, there are just a few things I do that I generally prefer to keep to myself. But if you’re reading this blog, you’re allowing me to put a “cookie” on your browser so that I can get paid to allow advertisers to follow you around the internet. As a thank you for the cookie, I will share my personal tips about how I have remained faithful during tough times.

Faith is belief without demanding facts. Facts are often uncomfortable and challenging to our brain parts. Faith is much, much easier because it helps you avoid confronting those awful truths that make you feel sad, or worse, guilty. Faith can keep you afloat during the toughest times. One time, I let Reverend Bidet cut my hair when he was halfway into a bottle of everclear. Did I worry about my hair because the “fact” is that drunk people lose their motor skills? No, I had “faith” that it would turn out fine. So how did it turn out? The “fact” was that my hair looked like a melted helmet with hair stuck to it and smelled of bacteria for a couple of months. But I had “faith” that I looked gorgeous and so, I felt the best feeling a person can ever feel: complacency. Did it matter that people didn’t want me around their children or that I wasn’t allowed in the bowling alley anymore? Not one bit because I was able to do a lot of catfishing and fun stuff like that at home on the net while my shell grew out. Faith. Faith is what got me through that. Faith and poppers.

Faith isn’t always easy though, folks. Sometimes you have to hold on to it as tight as you can to avoid one of the worst things imaginable: admitting you’re wrong. One time I bought this tiny little toy thing that said it would grow into a dinosaur if I just put it in water for a couple of hours. Well, of course I had faith in that little toy because packaging never lies. So, I put it in the bathtub and sure enough, it grew quite a bit in just a couple of hours. But it didn’t turn into a real dinosaur like I’m pretty sure the package said it would. So, I let it sit for a few more days, and still, no real dinosaur. Folks, that was three years ago and would you believe that thing is STILL soaking in my bathtub?! Yes, it’s covered in mildew, yes it’s given me a skin infection multiple times, but I have FAITH that one day I will be the owner of a living, breathing Triceratops named Tri-Carrot Tops. If I didn’t have that faith, what would I have? A bruised ego and a rash that quit responding to antibiotics. I may still have the rash, but my ego is bigger and better than ever my friends! That’s faith.

Lastly, let’s talk about faith in the Lord. It’s normal to have doubts about the existence of someone you can’t see or hear or smell or taste. Someone that you’ve only read about during the handful of times you’ve skimmed the bible. Someone that you’ve only heard about from other people like Mel Gibson. But you can’t let those doubts overshadow your faith because as soon as you do, the Lord will get angry. If the Lord is mad at you, there is no telling what kind of terror he will reign down upon you. I mean, the Lord is all powerful. It would be a shame if anything happened to that nice family of yours...Honestly, it’s easier and much safer to have faith. Just do what he says and have faith. Don’t risk it. It’s not worth it. Don’t question the Lord.

I hope those answers about faith shine a little bit of happiness onto your day! I’m going to go rub some ointment on my body now because the doctor thinks there might be microscopic bugs in my skin. I hope to catch you next time when we will all surely learn a little bit more about how to stay devoted to faith.

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HOW I KEEP MY FAITH